50+ Rows of Life Improvement - Fleurelle Review and the Journey

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I've been diving deep into the creation process of the fibre art world. To me, that starts with the very basics; foundational skill building, seriously studying different crafts, and making connections between multiple different methods to create pieces that are authentically my own design. Pattern making is one of those skills that I want to build because when I'm asked if someone can make one of my pieces themselves, I want to be able to answer, "Why yes! I do have a pattern so you can make this adorable piece!"

Many of the challenges that I've faced while building up Sunny Days Fibre Arts come from the mental side. Over the summer, I self-enrolled in a life improvement course. The course prompted me to examine the resistance I've been feeling towards focusing my abilities on building my business in a way that's accessible – both to me and to my patrons. That resistance stemmed from a lack of confidence and knowledge and the simplest solution was to learn.

Enter YarnPond! Not sponsored 😊

YarnPond is a platform where pattern designers post open calls, which is how they find their testers. Think auditions, but for crocheters. The designer posts a photo of their pattern, gives the measurements and materials needed, skill level, and other important knowledge points. Testers can then apply and go through a selection process. Then the selected testers receive and provide feedback on the drafted pattern. Well, that seemed like the perfect place to learn about making patterns. I could test different projects and get a sense of how to develop my style of pattern writing. I'd also be learning about what errors and typos to look for when designing my own patterns, which fit my learning ideals of starting with the basics. I signed up and immediately browsed the open calls.

The preview on the open call for the Fluerelle pattern

Fleurelle was one of the patterns listed under open calls on the first page. I eagerly clicked on it and was crushed to see that the testing window had nearly ended already. The puff flowers are one of my absolute favourite motifs to make. So much so, that I’m working on a stash-busting cardigan made entirely out of them! I messaged the designer, Donielle, expressing my admiration of the pattern with the puff flowers and asked if she would consider me for future open calls. When she messaged back and offered the project to me despite the closing window, I jumped on it immediately. Foreshadowing.

To say I was obsessed with the pattern is an understatement but I’m at a loss of words for how fun this piece looks. This is an intermediate pattern due to the colour changes and stitch types—half double crochet, cluster stitches, and puff flowers. However, I feel confident that a beginner to crochet would be able to easily complete this piece with a methodical and patient approach. Even the complicated flowers are well explained and easy to follow step-by-step. Given that the flowers are the same process repeated hundreds of times, I guarantee that the least confident fibre artist will have mastered them upon completion! The pattern is very well written, goes through each step thoroughly, and has no missing information about what is needed to complete the piece. I chose to only use two colours because of the time crunch, but the pattern features, and is written for, a really beautiful gradient as you move from centre to edge. The last row of flowers follow a fun coloured pattern as well!

Working on this pattern was filled with moments of sheer joy from seeing the rows appear one at a time and knowing that I had made this piece that everyone, including myself, was oohing and aahing over. On the flip side, it was also an exhaustive, monumental achievement for my battle with mental health. It was a wild ride and I'm excited for the next pattern which has already been offered to me at the time of writing this!

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Prior to this project, I’ve never made a shawl, or anything close to a clothing resemblance. I don’t count the flower cardigan since it’s still in progress. So the project, given that I had a week and a day before the middle of the month, was daunting. I’ve also never made a piece with fingering weight (1) yarn. Sure, I’ve experimented with it for swatches and tiny projects, but nothing this large-scale. I spent a good bit of the first day wondering what the heck I’d done to myself. Again. Are we following the foreshadowing trail? Great!

Applying that "start with the basics" mindset to this posed challenge brought me to the decision to go to a new yarn store that I’d been meaning to check out for months—maybe a year—and figure out where to start. The lady in the shop on the first day I went was kind and gentle, and very eager to keep up on my progress. She helped calm some of my anxieties regarding weight, gauge, and general concerns I had when converting the pattern to the tools and yarns I had available. She recommended I play with the yarns I had at home to see what exactly I was looking for before making a purchase.

I did just that and spent the remainder of the day practicing the stitches for the pattern with the yarn I had in my stash. I have a bunch of unmarked yarns from a friend who spotted a box of wildly varying yarn sizes and types at a garage sale. The yarn I was practicing with was close to the right weight and matched the gauge, but it oddly seemed to be between a fingering (2) and DK (3) weight. The test piece turned into a pot holder for my roommate.

The test piece that became a pot holder.

With my play test complete, I went back to the yarn store! A friendly voice greeted me but it wasn't the same as the first time. For the sake of anonymity, I'll call the new lady Arlene; she pops up a few times more in this journey. She had a completely different energy. While the first lady I’d talked to was calm and methodical, Arlene was very enthusiastic. In future trips to the shop, she almost didn’t give me back the shawl because she was so excited to see it! I showed her my test piece and explained that I wanted a yarn that would give me the same gauge but would have clearer details. With her help, I purchased my very first skeins of fingering yarn that hadn’t been given to me via a stash clearout from a friend or neighbour. I chose green and brown yarn – both variegated – for the main background and puff flowers respectively. Both yarns are from Circulo. Again, not sponsored 😊

Armed with sheer determination, a mood boost from Arlene's energy, and my new yarn, I headed home and immediately got started on the real piece. Within the first couple hours of crocheting, I’d already completed half of the first section and was shocked at my progress. I will crochet with just about anything given to me, but it usually comes with a lot of grumbling about frayed or sticky yarn as I power my way through a project. The yarn I’d been using to practice the stitches was one of the fraying yarns. I couldn’t believe how easy it was to crochet with this new yarn! I was flying! By the end of my second session of crocheting, I’d completed the first section minus the first round of puff flowers. 

First section's rows completed.

It was at the point of starting the first puff flower round that I began to doubt myself and my choice of a first project for this portfolio. Sure I was flying now but did I really think I could get this done? Would my determination to test the pattern to the best of my abilities carry me through the mid-project slump? Would Donielle be happy with my progress seeing as there was such a tight timeline on completion? Had I bitten off more than I could chew? 

Crocheting is a therapeutic hobby for me. It’s the same stitch, or set of stitches, over and over again for the most part so when I develop a rhythm for the part of the project I’m working on, I can settle back in my mind a little and use the repetitive motion as a sort of meditative counter while I address the mental battles raging in my head. As I completed each flower with less and less time taken, I was able to address some of the worries that I had about completing the project. I quit thinking about the what if’s and instead focused on each flower. By the end of the round, I’d resurfaced from my doubts with the knowledge that I could in fact finish this project and it would look stunning. 

After I’d finished the first flower round, I breezed through the second section’s alternating cluster and hdc rows. During this time, I was communicating back and forth with Donielle about parts of the pattern that didn’t quite make sense and it was clear that she was impressed with my ethic and commitment to the project. My spirits were high, my stitching speed was increasing, and my project timeline was looking exceptional. I'd even shaved almost 10 hours off the estimated total time for completion. I cruised right past the second section and flower round and ran smack into a wall I’d seen many times. Ah yes, the foreshadowing comes to fruition.

The weather, although clear and bright for most of the week while I was working on the project, had decided that it was going to send some heavy storms our way for the next week and a half. I was grateful for the rain because we’ve been having more smokey days than clear ones as of late. However, because I was so hell-bent on finishing this project by the date that I'd set for myself, I ignored my body’s signs of a weather induced flare-up. As I started reached the halfway point of the third section, I began to experience a burning in my back.

. First and second puff round done, third section halfway complete.

The pain that I experience from pressure drops and bad weather patterns is quite familiar. My symptoms usually start with more aches and pains than usual and certain parts of my back begin to act up. If I ignore my symptoms – which is a bad habit that I'm correcting – they quickly go from unnoticeable to unmanageable. What started as a mild heat in my lower back that I could ignore while I was crocheting turned into a searing pain that shot up into my shoulder if I sat for more than 15 minutes at a time or if I started using my upper body with repetitive motions. 

I began to work in much shorter segments and the time in between working on the piece got longer and longer. By the middle of the week, I’d fallen several hours behind on my project timeline and I suddenly saw this piece as an insurmountable task that I’d failed miserably. The shame set in and I began updating Donielle less and less.

“I’d been doing so well, and this was already a time crunch piece. She’s going to get angry with me because I’m suddenly not able to complete it when I said that I would.”

“If I just quietly catch up on this when I’m feeling better, then no one will have to know that I slipped up on my health.”

“There’s no chance I’ll ever be able to do this consistently enough to make a portfolio adequate enough to find work in this field.”

Those were some of the thoughts that I battled during this time. I ran away from them for a few days. I really didn’t want to face them and thought them much too scary to be able to deal with. This turned into not even touching the shawl for a day or two at a time and the longer this went on, the more scared I was to message Donielle and let her know what was going on. The middle of the month passed. The ghost-like deadline now haunted me and I would stare at the almost finished third flower round every few minutes while my shoulder began aching from thinking about how fast I'd have to crochet to catch up.

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One morning, after a particularly long conversation and reality check with myself, I concluded that I was going to ‘fess up’ and I made a note in my planner to message Donielle after my shower. When I stepped out of the shower, I checked my phone to find a message from her! I couldn’t ignore the timing and knew that I was heading in the right direction. We had a short, telephone-tag type conversation where I explained what was going on and where I was at with progress, and she assured me that chronic pain was a shared experience and that there was nothing to worry about. 

As the remainder of the week passed with slow but methodical work, I was able to finish both the third flower round and the fourth section. Well… almost. I ran out of yarn right after I’d started the last row before the last flower round. I knew that the yarn shop was out of the colour I needed and couldn’t help but laugh at the situation. I now fully understand how chronic crocheters end up with full skeins of yarn in their stashes from previous projects. This instance also happened with the brown yarn for the final puff flower round.

Fourth section in progress, right before running out of yarn.

There's a part of projects that I dread every time there's a colour change focused pattern, and that is: sewing in the ends. Arlene caught onto this during my trip there to order the remainder of the yarn I needed. She teased me about all the time I'd have to sew in the loose ends while I waited for my yarn order to arrive. She was right, however, and I did need to get a move on with tackling the building amalgamation of threads hanging from the piece. Did I though? I got the call from the yarn shop and went to pick up my new yarn with a grand total of 17 flowers all nicely sewn in.

After the new yarn was in my hands, it was just a matter of zipping the rest of the way around the last cluster row and stitching on flower by flower until the round was completed. It turned out to be very heavy matter. My nearly finished shawl once again sat untouched on the desk that I would stare at; knowing that all I had to do was pick it up and stitch one flower at a time, yet feeling like my arms were made of lead when I'd reach for the hook. The unsewn threads still hung from the piece and taunted me but I knew that if I could stitch on flower after flower with steady progress I could do the same with the loose ends.

I'd faced this mountain so many times before. I haven't been successful it scaling it many times, but my more recent years have earned me more completions. The overwhelming wave of emotion that every neurodivergent person experiences when it comes to the completion of a project or task, summed up in terms like "emotional dysregulation" and "executive dysfunction", brought me once again to a grinding, battle-like progression rate.

This challenge to complete the test pattern and learn as much as I could, as mentioned before, meant so much to my mental health journey. I did it to disprove the theory that I couldn't do what I wanted to with my business because of my disabilities. The project directly challenged my negative beliefs in a way that held me accountable and had me face the fear of communicating to a colleague or employer about what I'm struggling with. It helped me work through some deeply rooted unhelpful thoughts by providing me a productive form of stimming. Stimming helps diffuse reactions brought on by any kind of stressor, including processing emotions and trauma.

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After half a week of stalling and making up smaller tasks that needed to be done first, I finally picked up my hook again and sat down with the shawl. Over the weekend, I had gone through another module in my chronic health conditions management course. Try saying that five times fast! We'd covered paced activity and I'd given myself a nudge to time how long I could crochet without experiencing pain and figure out a work / rest cycle that would push me towards the finish line again.

Over the course of the morning, I ended up with a sticky note covered in scribbled notes about the length of time I could sit and work for, the location, pain severity, the works. I could crochet for 12 - 20 minutes if I was sitting in my office chair and took a 45 minute break in between sessions. With my flower pace being four to six minutes per flower, that resulted in two to five flowers per session. I caught myself in my thoughts and started laughing. If I could crochet for at least 10 minutes at a time, that was all I needed to finish the shawl. So that's what I did.

When I completed the last flower, I felt content. There was no elation or overwhelming emotions. The only thing that I could see in my head was my more mature self giving my inner child a little shoulder bump and gently saying, "see? We knew we could do this." I had this radiating, warm feeling of quiet appreciation and held a moment of acknowledgement for my dedication and perseverance. I knew I wasn't completely done. The ends still had to be sewn in and there was still the blog to write. For the moment though, I put the shawl down and began sharing photos to celebrate this step being completed.

The "finished" shawl, danglies and all.

The final steps to testing the pattern were to take final measurements and go over the pattern once more to triple check for any errors that I missed while working through it. Donielle, who I can't thank enough for the grace she shows towards her testers, was elated and we wrapped up the finalities. I snuck a question about how to block something this large because I was at a loss for what I could use. She gave me a very smart suggestion to use interlocking foam mats and the steam setting on my iron.

This is still the largest piece I've ever made and while it was daunting, looking at it draped on my shoulders as I was building up the rows filled me with pride. An emotion that I've rarely allowed myself to experience in a positive light. Everyone that I showed it to was stunned by the detail in the stitching and the most common question I that I received was, "wow! How long did this take you!?" To which I answer, "60 hours? Ish? I don't know, I stopped counting around there."

The pattern is not published at the time of writing this, but I would love for you to give this one a try! I'll be updating this post with a link to the pattern as soon as it's published. I'll also be posting a newsletter update about this pattern; be sure to sign up for that to get a direct link when it's available.

If you're like I was at the start where I had little to no experience with shawls or garment crocheting, this is a great project to start with. The stitches, while complicated at first for the puff rounds, are straight-forward and there are minute changes throughout the pattern. The clusters start larger with the first two sections and then drop a stitch for the last two sections, meaning they become more simple to stitch as you get further out. If you feel like the colour changing is a little too complex for you right now, the entire piece can be done in one colour without changing the pattern.

I have so much admiration for Donie and her work. When you have the chance, please go check out some of her other patterns. She does amazing intricate colour work with her double knitting technique and has made some very unique garments with secret messages and runes as well. I'm going to be working on this project next!

Thank you, truly, for reading to the end. This was a long journey for me, and although I've largely summarized everything that I learned and experienced, I imagine that this read may have been lengthy for some people. Reach out and share some similar stories and challenges that you've faced! Maybe you've come across a new technique that I missed during this project and you'd like to share it with the world. I would love to connect and hear all about it!

Front of the shawl and my shy face.

My Takeaways

The best ways to challenge my negative beliefs and unhelpful thoughts are to choose activities that accommodate my needs, ie:

• crocheting as a stim while processing intense emotions and reframing perfectionism

• communicating with someone that I know understands chronic pain to practice healthy advocacy

I can really do anything I put my mind to. And that requires putting my mind to it.

• every task requires a process to be done and I can adjust any part of that process to accommodate for my needs

• setting boundaries with other people regarding my time and abilities means knowing what those limits are and leading by example

• every skill has a starting point and if I don't know where I'm at, I can just start from the beginning and work up from there

Skill building is a continuous process

• I started out knowing basically nothing about shawls and loose garments and now I have stepping stones for further development

• I will not master anything if I avoid the practice time

• I don't have to have everything learned in a single sitting and learning at my own pace is how I can best strengthen the skills that are important to me